"The biggest lies that you've ever told is to yourself."
I found that in a Heist Society #3 Book, Perfect Scoundrels. Sure that quote has been extremely paraphrased, but you still get the meaning.
I can totally relate to that quote, 100% accurate, describing one of my deadly flaws. You can't relate? You sure? Let me give you a scenario that you are in thousands of times throughout your teenage years :
Scene 1:
*you playing video games, look at the clock*
Oh, I'll stop in another 10 minutes and then revise...
*10 minutes later...*
Let me finish this level first.
*30 minutes later*
No! This is the Boss Level!
*ages later*
Aw damn, it's late! I'll just revise tomorrow...
Scene 2:
Okay, I hereby vow to myself I'll stay away from internet, games and novels till the exam ends.
*the next day*
Fuck the exam, I'm finishing this series!
Scene 3:
Hmm.. If I get 7A and above, I'll treat myself to Häagen-Dazs.
*after the result is out*
5A? Well, let's feast ice cream!
Scene 4:
I'll exercise everyday and lose 3 kg by the end of the month!
*the next morning*
Never mind, it's not like the diet is effective anyway.
Seems familiar to you? Yep, that's what us teenagers do nowadays. I'm no exception. Yes, I made the effort to stop playing The Godfather for one and half a month is advance (I haven't told you about my gaming addiction, yes? That'll feature another post then). But then again, if I only stop playing one game and starting another, how does it exactly help? As you can guess, it does not.
I continue to read novels and play games shamelessly. Making a bunch of promises to myself I never fulfill. And what is even sadder that the fact somewhere deep in my mind, I know I will not do it. It's just fleeting words, intended to calm my high-strung heart. Like in the "Three Idiots", the heart is stupid, if we say everything's alright, they will be assured.
As how my action dictates, my result is sucky by my parents standard.. I wouldn't even tell you because I know, it's pretty decent by most people standard. So now I will establish that my parents are not who you call most people.
No matter how many times I said to myself I will try to revise this time, get a higher marks, satisfy myself by proving everyone wrong. I did not do it and strangely enough, I don't have any regret. Is that why I never improve? Because I don't give a fuck anymore?
Writing this post may seem like a justification (feels like it too). But I honestly have no idea what I am doing. Yes, I was a great student, have that high IQ and stuff. Now, all that's left is the legacy of it. I changed too much, held back a lot. I don't even know myself anymore. Sometimes, I kinda miss my old me, the one that will surely study when exam comes, the one that diligently finish up every homework and more, the one that is still innocent by the way of the world.
See? Even I myself feels like a lie. Like the very foundation of me are made up of fake things, deceitful stuff.
But if I could go back in time and do it differently, would I?
KK
So, you guys must be wondering, why the sudden blog post?
After all this time of no new post, why now? why not let my own blog go through eternal damnation and neglect?
You're not the only one having those questions, believe me. I do wonder myself.
Well, maybe it's because the BM essay I had to write for my SPM Trial... Or the newly found hobby of writing something random just to vex everyone... Could be the guilt of having ignored my own blog after millenniums too... We may never know, but here I am.
I was am surprised to log in and see the viewer count (is that what you call all those visitors to my blog?). It has reached 500! Yay! For some of the seasonal bloggers, they got that kind of number in measly hours. But for me? The one that NEVER updates her blog? Yep, you're right.. That takes the whole 3 (or is it 4?) years to reach it.. Anyway, I'm content.
So to wrap it up, I'll really try to update my blog more diligently from now on.. Since that new found irritating hobby of mine need to be fulfilled! Who is a better listener than yourself? Nobody, that's who. Ranting in a dead blog might be better, since I get to review my own stupidity and craziness (and maybe laugh at it in a later date, who knows)
Gotta go, another new post covering my SPM Trial coming up after this!
KishiKiryuu
(that's my new nick BTW.. a game name, nice isn't it?)