自由の翼

"The biggest lies that you've ever told is to yourself."

I found that in a Heist Society #3 Book, Perfect Scoundrels. Sure that quote has been extremely paraphrased, but you still get the meaning.

I can totally relate to that quote, 100% accurate, describing one of my deadly flaws. You can't relate? You sure? Let me give you a scenario that you are in thousands of times throughout your teenage years :

Scene 1:
*you playing video games, look at the clock*
Oh, I'll stop in another 10 minutes and then revise...
*10 minutes later...*
Let me finish this level first.
*30 minutes later*
No! This is the Boss Level!
*ages later*
Aw damn, it's late! I'll just revise tomorrow...

Scene 2:
Okay, I hereby vow to myself I'll stay away from internet, games and novels till the exam ends.
*the next day*
Fuck the exam, I'm finishing this series!

Scene 3:
Hmm.. If I get 7A and above, I'll treat myself to Häagen-Dazs.
*after the result is out*
5A? Well, let's feast ice cream!

Scene 4:
I'll exercise everyday and lose 3 kg by the end of the month!
*the next morning*
Never mind, it's not like the diet is effective anyway.

Seems familiar to you? Yep, that's what us teenagers do nowadays. I'm no exception. Yes, I made the effort to stop playing The Godfather for one and half a month is advance (I haven't told you about my gaming addiction, yes? That'll feature another post then). But then again, if I only stop playing one game and starting another, how does it exactly help? As you can guess, it does not.

I continue to read novels and play games shamelessly. Making a bunch of promises to myself I never fulfill. And what is even sadder that the fact somewhere deep in my mind, I know I will not do it. It's just fleeting words, intended to calm my high-strung heart. Like in the "Three Idiots", the heart is stupid, if we say everything's alright, they will be assured.

As how my action dictates, my result is sucky by my parents standard.. I wouldn't even tell you because I know, it's pretty decent by most people standard. So now I will establish that my parents are not who you call most people. 

No matter how many times I said to myself I will try to revise this time, get a higher marks, satisfy myself by proving everyone wrong. I did not do it and strangely enough, I don't have any regret. Is that why I never improve? Because I don't give a fuck anymore?

Writing this post may seem like a justification (feels like it too). But I honestly have no idea what I am doing. Yes, I was a great student, have that high IQ and stuff. Now, all that's left is the legacy of it. I changed too much, held back a lot. I don't even know myself anymore. Sometimes, I kinda miss my old me, the one that will surely study when exam comes, the one that diligently finish up every homework and more, the one that is still innocent by the way of the world.

See? Even I myself feels like a lie. Like the very foundation of me are made up of fake things, deceitful stuff.

But if I could go back in time and do it differently, would I? 


KK