自由の翼

How long has it been? One year? Two? I completely forgot about this blog I abandoned (again) XD

Reviewing all my post, I just realised how precious it is to have written proof of your innocence and youthfulness (read : gullibility and childishness). But all in all, I think it is refreshing :) You got to see how much you have developed and grow. How much you enjoyed your middle and high school with all them turds ;)

How I have been? Hmmm.. let me give you an answer to that; suffering! Gyahahaha I know I did not change much from my high school self but here I am, feeling lost in a Mechanical Engineering major :')

So to recap where I have been the last 12 months? Jumping from Malacca to Bandung just to finish my FREAKING high school education. Getting very ordinary marks (read : average, oh myyyy the SHAME my mom has to go through :P) on my High School Certificate. Passing the Public University Entrance Exam (got my the last university of my choice, by the way).

Everyone is telling me I should be GRATEFUL. I should embrace the major that I have chosen (frankly, I think I lost my mind). I should just "get on with it". That not everybody can GET INTO Faculty of Engineering. That I will love it sooner or later, But the harsh reality is, I am your mediocre, run-of-the-mill, typical, average human being. Yep, super disappointing.

And the thing is, I have a considerably easier option, to take D3 in Mechatronics. You might think, "that's not much different from mechanical engineering,". In fact, it is a WHOLE NEW LEVEL of different. They stress on the hands-on stuff rather than theories (I have grown a distaste towards theories). Hell, gotta give my hyperactive tendency a new output.

I know I dug my own grave with this one. It was me who chose engineering. It was me who chose the 3 universities. It was me who sat for the exam. It was me who made the final decision. But those choices, was, and still is, influenced by my parents. I know you see that one coming.

What is it with my parents that I keep losing every fight with them? That I feel like they took my power to choose my own path in life? Heck, this is supposed to be all about me. My major. My work. My future. Call me selfish but you know that it is indeed true.

Up to this point, 3 months in FoE, all I feel is lost. Miserable. Desperate. [insert tons of other negative adjective]. My only refuge out of this desolation is games, games and more games. Heck, I think I am becoming more of an addict because of my dependency towards gaming.

Someone get me out of this hell. 

School was (kind of) awesome today. Somehow, we had a lot of screws loose in our brain and decided to went on full immature mode as how they say, age is just a number. Nobody knows how it started but we decided ultimately that it's the perfect day to walk down the memory lane.

So what's the big deal? Well, since we're 17 years old already, we decided to throw the little number 1 somewhere it wouldn't bother us and live the primary school moments all over again. Albeit our non-existent innocence, we pulled it off quite good (considering nobody went on full retard and start bawling).

There's this bunch of nonsense games that we used to play in primary school. I guess, if you're Malaysian or anybody living in the South East Asia region you'll be quite familiar with these.. (just an assumption)

First of all, the FLAME prediction. Basically, it's a relationship compatibility test. We wrote down two names and count the number of letters they have with matching letters put in a group. E.g. Lara and Dave -> 1 (L), 3 (A), 1 (R), 1 (D), 1 (V) and 1(E). We add it up by pair, from one end to the other until one digit remaining. Then we counted it from F downwards. E.g. if you get 3 means you get A, 7 --> L. F stands for Friends, L for Love, A for Admirer, M for Marry and E for Enemy.

More graphical sample :

"The biggest lies that you've ever told is to yourself."

I found that in a Heist Society #3 Book, Perfect Scoundrels. Sure that quote has been extremely paraphrased, but you still get the meaning.

I can totally relate to that quote, 100% accurate, describing one of my deadly flaws. You can't relate? You sure? Let me give you a scenario that you are in thousands of times throughout your teenage years :

Scene 1:
*you playing video games, look at the clock*
Oh, I'll stop in another 10 minutes and then revise...
*10 minutes later...*
Let me finish this level first.
*30 minutes later*
No! This is the Boss Level!
*ages later*
Aw damn, it's late! I'll just revise tomorrow...

Scene 2:
Okay, I hereby vow to myself I'll stay away from internet, games and novels till the exam ends.
*the next day*
Fuck the exam, I'm finishing this series!

Scene 3:
Hmm.. If I get 7A and above, I'll treat myself to Häagen-Dazs.
*after the result is out*
5A? Well, let's feast ice cream!

Scene 4:
I'll exercise everyday and lose 3 kg by the end of the month!
*the next morning*
Never mind, it's not like the diet is effective anyway.

Seems familiar to you? Yep, that's what us teenagers do nowadays. I'm no exception. Yes, I made the effort to stop playing The Godfather for one and half a month is advance (I haven't told you about my gaming addiction, yes? That'll feature another post then). But then again, if I only stop playing one game and starting another, how does it exactly help? As you can guess, it does not.

I continue to read novels and play games shamelessly. Making a bunch of promises to myself I never fulfill. And what is even sadder that the fact somewhere deep in my mind, I know I will not do it. It's just fleeting words, intended to calm my high-strung heart. Like in the "Three Idiots", the heart is stupid, if we say everything's alright, they will be assured.

As how my action dictates, my result is sucky by my parents standard.. I wouldn't even tell you because I know, it's pretty decent by most people standard. So now I will establish that my parents are not who you call most people. 

No matter how many times I said to myself I will try to revise this time, get a higher marks, satisfy myself by proving everyone wrong. I did not do it and strangely enough, I don't have any regret. Is that why I never improve? Because I don't give a fuck anymore?

Writing this post may seem like a justification (feels like it too). But I honestly have no idea what I am doing. Yes, I was a great student, have that high IQ and stuff. Now, all that's left is the legacy of it. I changed too much, held back a lot. I don't even know myself anymore. Sometimes, I kinda miss my old me, the one that will surely study when exam comes, the one that diligently finish up every homework and more, the one that is still innocent by the way of the world.

See? Even I myself feels like a lie. Like the very foundation of me are made up of fake things, deceitful stuff.

But if I could go back in time and do it differently, would I? 


KK

So, you guys must be wondering, why the sudden blog post?

After all this time of no new post, why now? why not let my own blog go through eternal damnation and neglect?

You're not the only one having those questions, believe me. I do wonder myself.

Well, maybe it's because the BM essay I had to write for my SPM Trial... Or the newly found hobby of writing something random just to vex everyone... Could be the guilt of having ignored my own blog after millenniums too... We may never know, but here I am.

I was am surprised to log in and see the viewer count (is that what you call all those visitors to my blog?). It has reached 500! Yay! For some of the seasonal bloggers, they got that kind of number in measly hours. But for me? The one that NEVER updates her blog? Yep, you're right.. That takes the whole 3 (or is it 4?) years to reach it.. Anyway, I'm content.

So to wrap it up, I'll really try to update my blog more diligently from now on.. Since that new found irritating hobby of mine need to be fulfilled! Who is a better listener than yourself? Nobody, that's who. Ranting in a dead blog might be better, since I get to review my own stupidity and craziness (and maybe laugh at it in a later date, who knows)

Gotta go, another new post covering my SPM Trial coming up after this!



KishiKiryuu
(that's my new nick BTW.. a game name, nice isn't it?)

MWAHAHAHAHA~!!

New year resolution.. X|
I already broken the "post in blog at least once a week"..
OMG! Can't keep the promise...
Seriously, am I even serious making this blog?

Haiz...
I really don't want to fret right now..
I know that there are busier people out there..
XPP

I haven't finish the folios.. XP
Wanna die!!
Must pass up THIS week.. X(

Should I change my blog's skin (read as background?)
I was just browsing other's blog and saw theirs are very cool/cute...
So should I change it?
I think I have no time for these but I'm envious... ><
Maybe I should just change it later...
My definision of later :
Dunno whenn :P
Well maybe if I have the time?
*sigh* Life is tiring...
But we have to live on!!
Ganbatte!!
Fighting!
Chai yok (is this even the correct spelling?)!!

Well, bye...